Real Relationship Talk

You’ve heard all the old relationship adages: “Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars.”
“Men are the head but women are the neck that turn the head in the right direction.” 
“A strong woman can do anything by herself. A strong man won’t let her.”
Do these sayings still hold weight in modern dating culture? Clinical psychologists and
comedians debated the evolution of these ideas on Saturday night at The Miracle Theater.
 In Inglewood. The Comedic Relationship Round Table hosted on May 31st was a night of
storytelling, honesty, conviction and pleas for understanding from both women and men.
Zo Williams, host of “The Voice of Reason” on KBLA Talk, moderated the panel, switching back
and forth from questions posed to psychologists, Dr. P. McCall-Robinson and Dr. Christopher
Johnson, and short comedic sets by Ron G, Ray Grady, and Kevin Tate.
Williams opened the night with a question, “is Black love in a better state than what’s portrayed
on social media?” The clinicians didn’t deny that the online conversations have their merit but
that folks should take the online analysis with a grain of salt. This segued into one of the most
contentious topics online about the poor relationship between men and women these days–the
issue of accountability. Which gender is more or less accountable? And why? Williams asked
the doctors. 
Dr. Johnson expressed that women are given more grace than men in interpersonal
relationships. “Nobody gives men the benefit of the doubt. Men don’t get to have a reason for
their excuses.” He also broke down the biological advantage women appear to have, noting that
the female human’s brain develops 14 weeks ahead of their male counterparts. 
Studies have shown that women and girls “process information about five times faster than
men, and use much less of their brain to do identical cognitive performance.” Dr. LouAnn
Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist and author of the book “The Female Brain” has determined that
after eight weeks in utero all children’s brains appear exactly the same: female. In fact, female is
nature’s default setting. It is only after a surge of testosterone that boys’ brains begin to alter,”
which would describe the frustrations between the opposing genders. Women literally have to
repeat themselves more to be heard.
Comedian Kevin Tate doubled down on women’s ability or rather, innate wiring, to be two steps
ahead at all times  He detailed a former relationship where he got into an argument with his
woman.  She was angry at him for walking too slow to get the car. He also expressed women’s
ability to move swifter in petty games of anger. “I don’t date young women no more cause they
are too creative at arguing. I knew I was in a toxic relationship when I had an argument on
Cashapp. I sent her $20 with a comment “unblock me!” She responded by requesting $40
before she’d do it.”
Dr. Johnson emphasized the need for dual compatibility and expressed that men have to learn
how to do that, oftentimes by facing their mothers. Johnson shared about his upbringing and
how, like him, most men hear “She did the best she could do” when it comes to mothers.  But,
it’s much harder for men to accept this line of thinking with women they have romantic
relationships with–something comedian Ron G doubled down on:

“Men really only have 3 moods – happy, sad, horny. Women brains operate like an 8-lane
highway and that gets hard for men cause y’all say you want honesty but that never goes well
for us. Fellas, if I’m lyin’, raise your hand. Men have to deal with what you think we said, explain
what we actually said, and then de-escalate how you feel.”
Dr. McCall-Robinson believes the accountability discussion is distorted because society still
perpetuates double standards for women, namely the madonna-whore complex and that there
needs to be social equity before these conversations can be held in earnest. Dr. Johnson didn’t
let either side off the hook and said dual accountability is needed if we’re ever going to foster
the “Black Love” that’s lusted after.
Attachment Theory also made the chat, and issues were brought up around the trend of people
identifying with their attachment styles.  These behavioral styles are molded by trauma and
relationship wounding, and are generally caused by misattuned, abusive or neglectful parents. 
The conversation took a deep dive at this point.  Dr. Johnson convicted the crowd with gems of
wisdom. “We want our partner to finish the job our parents didn’t do,” he said. 
Dr. McCall-Robinson responded in kind, “You’re born looking like your parents, you die looking
like your decisions,” emphasizing that Attachment Theory is a guide to understand how to
choose differently in relationships, not a means to project the parenting role on your intimate
partners. Dr. Johnson took it so far as to say our attachment style is often us attaching to other
people’s demons. “I don’t want to attach to your demons. I don’t want my relationships to be
centered around how to play nice with them, I want your demons to hate me.”
Dr. Johnson offered a potential solution in both people adopting an entirely new mindset about
relationships and partnering well.
“I’m here to be the best me! You be the best YOU. Relationships have to stop being about
making the other happy all the time. That’s not really my business. How can we just show up as
our best selves and live life together?”
Zo Williams’ advice for the crowd flipped the infamous Maya Angelou’s quote on its head.
Instead Williams wants to urge people to take accountability through what their closest
relationships echo. “When somebody shows you who YOU are, believe them.”
The comedians then got to chime in on why they think relationships go sour.
“I’ve been married six years and in those six years 17 of our friends got divorced. You know
why?  Most people don’t date  people they like,” Ron G informed the crowd. Ray Grady
emphatically agreed, saying he doesn’t care about all the psychological babble. “Man, like who
likes you! That’s it!’ If you a big dude, get you a big girl. If you got a high GPA, date somebody
with a high GPA.”
Kevin Tate was brave enough to expose some of the hypocrisy men have in their dating
standards. “Men, y’all be wanting women from ‘good stock’ Talking about you want a woman
that comes from a two-parent household, a momma and daddy in the house but y’all can’t
handle that type of woman! Their daddies taught them what you can’t do! Women like that know
how to shoot properly, got a license and everything. Their daddies took ‘em fishin! You don’t
know how to fish! Those women know how to fix stuff in their house. Y’all don’t be ready for the
type of pressure that comes with a woman who was raised by her father.”

Other advice for the comedians was around developing tolerance, acceptance and common
sense. 
“Ladies, God gives you intuition and you don’t listen to it! You drive that man to your house and
have him eat up all your food and give him money and then cry later, talking about how he was
no good. I mean did you pay attention? Fellas, the busiest woman in the world is a woman that
don’t like you. But your ego can’t handle that, right? You gotta chase her down, earn her
attention, just to end up broken in the end. God was trying to protect you by keeping her busy. “
Ron G asserted. He lovingly called everybody out by exposing the way we go in ridiculous
cycles “Because victims don’t have choices!”
Everyone in the crowd “ooh”ed at that point! The conviction was as sharp as a tack.
Ron G’s last piece of advice was for women to accept the man that they’re with instead of the
man they create in their head. And if you can’t accept him? Go back to principle number one –
date people you like!
Williams brought the panel to a conclusion by asking for three actionable tips to develop self
awareness before deciding to take on the big weight of life commitment because “Marriage is
more than what you want! You have to do what your spouse likes.” But in order to be able to
indulge your partner like that, “you gotta face yourself,” exclaims Dr. Johnson. “You gotta tackle
self love, self encouragement. Stop searching for external approval and seek your God
assignment.” Dr. McCall-Robinson emphasized the importance of mastering yourself and being
able to answer who you are. 
I’ll let you decide who you think gave the best advice, but everybody walked out of The Miracle
Theater that night wiser than before.